There are a couple of ‘big’ topics I’ve been wanting to talk about here, but I always shy away from them. I either get weird about having those thoughts out there on the internet, or shy away because I’m not a strong writer and I don’t always communicate in a straight, easy-to-read path, so months go by and I want to talk about what’s going on and be able to reference these ‘bigger’ topics so it all makes sense, but I have nothing for which to reference.
Today, I hope to start making strides to change that.
Back in January I experienced an extremely hormonal week that was the result of birth control hormones, stress, and your typical existential angst. I think mostly due to the hormones I blew everything way out of proportion, but that awful week allowed me to get closer to my ‘true’ self. Allow me to clarify:
After that week of hormones passed (and my period came, phew! ; ) ), I had a really transcendent (for lack of a better term) experience. Ben and I one Saturday were able to sit and mediate, and truly go into ourselves, and we had these extremely deep, profound conversations where, for whatever reason, I “got it.”
I’ve known for a while that my “life purpose” is to care/mother/love, but I wasn’t ready to hear that, or, perhaps more accurately, I was anxious and frustrated that my ‘life purpose’ didn’t translate into an easy-to-define, successful career, which I think is what I was telling myself what I “wanted,” because then I could have a “plan” and not have to “worry about anything” because I was following the “plan of what I am supposed to do.”
I didn’t want to accept that my life purpose is to be a mother, because, according to my erroneous-math above, that meant that I needed to get started on that plan right away because it is my life purpose after all, and if I want to be happy and fulfill my purpose in life then I better get going on it! (I hope you all can sense the sarcasm and eye rolling in that sentence.) It freaked me out because, frankly, I’m not ready to be a mother yet. And not in the “no one is ever ready, you just do it” way — I have a very strong feeling that for me, having children in my 30s is ‘right.’ (There are many reasons, but being more mature, and having a solid financial and otherwise foundation are some of them!)
But, for whatever reason, that meditative Saturday didn’t bring me anxiety when I faced my life purpose. Instead, I felt transcendent peace and serenity flow throughout my entire being. I understood that while, yes, my life purpose is to be a mother, it is bigger than just that. It is to love. And I can love in many ways before my time as a mother begins. And that, friends, was so comforting.
Since then, I’ve been trying to look at more tangible ways to ‘live my purpose’ in the everyday. How can I love myself, my husband, my baby family, my friends, my community, my coworkers, my environment — more? Or, how can I take a step back from myself and think critically as to whether my actions and words are speaking/living love to others?
There’s obviously no one-fits-all answer or situation, but it’s felt so good exploring the answers to those questions. I’ve learned some big lessons, as well – I’ve started to realize that sometimes I do or say things under the belief that I am loving others and doing what they ‘need,’ without taking a step back to think if I’m really doing that because it’s what *I* think they need (and therefore, not truly listening/communicating, loving, or helping them), versus recognizing if it’s something they’ve asked for and then giving/loving/etc.
In my marriage, it’s been transformative. During that meditative Saturday we broke down these invisible walls neither of us realized were there, but had been keeping us from loving each other to the maximum extent that we can.
I can firmly say that the past four months have been the happiest months of my marriage, and I believe they’ll continue to bring happiness and love and peace to our lives because we were able to get to the root of our true selves and see those beings as who we really are, not who we think one another is, or who we want one another to be.
I finally realized why Ben does X or Y or Z, and it seems he has had the same revelation with me. So now, when I see him doing or saying those things, I truly understand why he’s saying those things and where it comes from, and I can respond more lovingly and with more understanding (and patience!). And I’ve found it has been the same with him. He has been overwhelmingly loving, kind, gentle, and attentive. We have been communicating more, and better, and it has brought a deep richness to our marriage and lives than I could have ever imagined.
Will our marriage always be so rose-colored and lovey-dovey? Of course not. But I feel so grateful that I was able to have this experience with Ben and understand him more, so that when we go through change or rough periods I can reflect back on this, and try harder, love stronger, be a better partner.
I know this all sounds a little hippy-dippy and sort of silly, but I wanted to share it with you. Thanks for reading, and for your love and kindness and friendships. xxoo